Facets of every moment

Life is short.
Or it's long, depending on how you look at it.
Still,
It ends unexpectantly,
unless you choose to end it of course.

I will choose to be happy,
and leave all the sadness in the past,
where they belong;

Why cling on to sadness when you can be happy?
It's a matter of personal choice.

I choose to be happy.

Change

I've been listening to the same song over and over again since I got up this morning - Silverstein's The End.

No wonder I'm in such sad mood....oh well, and the weather doesn't help either.

I can feel myself changing, leaving all boiled inside within me. Is it really a change? or have I just grown older and wiser? LOL

I don't really like this new me, I don't feel free being like that, but what can I do? I put on this indifferent face so much these days, learning to wait for the right moment to speak, or not to speak if it doesn't help for that matter....*sigh*

Maybe I should stop listening to EMO music.......LOL
I relate way too much to it.....*sigh*
but really love the song....exactly how I feel towards him.

Love life? All a bit muddled up at the moment....
Loose strings, will talk about it once any of the things start to matter....

White room

Saw this picture, love it! Something very peaceful, summery and homey about it.
No it's not my room, but I love the drawer....
but those little devil can be so costly....*evil eyes*

It's too late. I'm gone.

Heard this when I was watching Smallville. Love it.



Steadman - Wave Goodbye

Life is one big stage
And it's all the rage
To go walkin' out
To take a bow

(chorus)
See me roam
See me climb
If I leave here now
I can make good time
See me fall
See me rise
Grab me one last look
Then I'll wave goodbye
Goodbye...

Latches on my face
When I need my space
I've been feeling blue
Well how 'bout you?

Now this bird has flown
Like I've always known it would
Maybe someday soon
You'll be flying too

oooohhhhhh....

(chorus)

I try to try to hold on
But it's too late
It's too late I'm gone...

Lots of stages, all the rage, the curtains raise I'm coming now
Lost on stage, the curtains raise I'm coming now
Lost on stage, the curtains raise I'm coming now

(chorus)

I try to try to hold on
But it's too late
It's too late...
I try to try to hold on
But it's too late
It's too late....

It's too late I'm gone.

Faults

I really should stop blaming myself.

Eventhough I had trouble accepting the one secret he's been keeping from me, but I wasn't going to give up, I didn't want to give up. He was the one who gave up. I didn't reject him, he chose to close up.

I'm tired of thinking.

I think I'm going to try to get rid of my msn watching addiction. *sigh* It's just everytime I've tried that, I ended up crying, just like what happened last night. Still, I'm going to try, because this is not getting me anywhere.

Funny how when I finally told him I'm thinking about giving up if he chooses to be non-respondent, he ended up initiating a conversation. I thought he wasn't sure if he still wanted to get to know me? *sigh* Doesn't matter anyway. I'm not giving the friendship thing up, but I'm tired of trying, so I'll just let it rest for awhile, and try to find myself.

I guess I'm giving him up for real this time, I'm sick of hoping he'd change his mind. I feel pathetic feeling that way. I'm better than that.

Cold and sleepless

Must be one of those nights...*sigh*

Tears just don't seem to be stoppable....they have a mind of their own.

I miss him and I cry knowing it's all for the best at the same time.

This is just hopelessly sad and pathetic.

New light

It was nice to be able to talk to him sort of normally again. He said there was no reason for me to explain again in an email, but then again, the email did get him to talk to me, so it must have achieved something, whether the explanation or what I truly feel, one way or the other.

I'm going to keep open minded of how things work, I've always thought I was someone with heaps of rules, but he seems to have more of those than I do, lol. I still miss him, and the subject we were discussing sort of affected my sleep last night, but I'm determined not to make any moves anymore, because I have done enough, and more from me, would just tip the balance of everything. Speaking from past relationship experiences...like twice. I wouldn't say it's the best thing, but it's for the better. I'm sort of speaking in riddles aren't I? LOL. I hope it was just a coincidence he mentioned acquired a taste for coffee in the conversation, at first I thought maybe I wrote it in one of the emails, but then found this is "the" place I've written about that....@.@ Still, I'm sure it's just a coincidence, since it's the most appropriate description for it.

I think being friends is the answer I feel appropriate for now, not that I don't still ask myself the questions like do I still have feelings for him? Yes. Do I want to be with him still? Hm....I do, but I can also see how many problems would be attached to it. All those time apart and thinking, I did figure out resolutions for a few problems, but not all of them. I never thought it was easy to fall in love for someone, but working a relationship seems to be so much harder. Anyway, I will not cross the line again, unless he wants more. I guess I'll feel this way for a wee while, but life's full of changes and surprises, I don't plan on keeping my word! lol.

Debating whether I should start eating more or not...lost 4 kgs since the break up *sigh* I guess just not having as much appetite. I hope no one else notices, otherwise I'd start getting the I'm disappearing comments again...lol.

It's funny how that's the 3rd breakup I've had in the month of May. There must be something wrong with that month, must be all that rain and wetness!!!


I miss him, but I'm doing nothing about it.
I'm in hibernationland.

Blame the humidity

I'm in a foul mood today. Yes...I'm suppose to be working, but here I am, sneaking up in my room typing a blog entry....LOL

I feel really down today, actually, I'm lying, I've been down since yesterday. I think it all started back on Tuesday when he said he doesn't know if he's interested in a friendship with me. Oh...no, I'm not upset about that fact, I'm actually upset about how I'm starting to find I probably feel the same way. No common ground, interest or social circle and meeting place, I guess when I thought through carefully, I didn't see a possible friendship there. There I was naively saying how I'm interested in being friends with him, and here I am thinking why the hell should I be bothered? Is he really worth the effort?! If he really wanted to be friends with me, then okay, there's a point, but if he's indifferent about it, then what the heck am I doing?!

Funny how I enjoy talking to myself so much these days. These are the sort of things I can't really complain to other people, since there's no correct answers, I'd just end up boring other people to death! LOL!!

I've been thinking about going to a cafe alone every weekend, establish a regular spot, preferably one of those on high street, and aquire a taste for coffee. I'm not exactly a fan of coffee, but I think it's an aquired taste, I was never into red wine before, and now I am, so maybe coffee will work that way? Who knows...Since I want to open a floral/coffee shop one day, that's probably a good idea to start liking coffee!! LOL!

It's times when I think logically, I really wonder why I liked him? Mum reckons it was just the face and height, outer appearance I fell for, but I really don't think it was as simple as that. In the relationship he did try, and he was nice to me, and focused on me. Just that there were too many differences between us that wasn't going to work. I'm somewhat annoyed with myself that when he finally decided to open to me, about he's "not" secret...which I totally think it sort of was, and I just couldn't accept him. *sigh* I'm disappointed in myself, but I'm a realist, I prefer a stable life, too many things about him screams unstability (sp?). It's really funny how I was reluctant to clear and explain so many things he thought wrongly about me. Was I careless? or was it a bigger problem that I was choosing to ignore? I guess I really don't know, I might when I loose feelings for him. I wonder when that'll be? It's still going up and down, I think it's about 50/50 now, the time I'm alright, and the time I'm not. The weather really is not helping.

I'm hating the weather today. I feel exhausted, about so many things.

Experience your life

"It's not about the ending, it's about the journey."

I heard this when I was watching Smallville. I'm all about quotes at the moment aren't I?! I guess I'm going through a quote craze phase! LOL! I really like this quote, it applies to so many things, even life itself.

I guess that's how I should see the month as, that it was a reasonably happy month, and ever lasting doesn't always mean it's the best. But then again, I don't think I would stay in something that's not that great. Anyway, I'm sure it wasn't the best, I do the believe the best is still yet to come. I haven't lost my faith in finding the right person, when I was with him, I did constantly asked myself, is he the one? He did make me feel he was emotionally, but there were so many other things that told me he wasn't. Mainly outer physical stuff. This does make me sound a bit vain, but I don't need to be rich, I want to have enough. I guess he just made me feel insecure in a different way...ways which I didn't want to explain to him...I guess I was worried that I'd hurt his feelings, and hense the communication problem I was talking about yesterday.

Oh well, I'm still waiting for my black horse prince charming! Ha! I guess after this, I have grown a little, and can be even more open minded about certain things. Life's all about experimenting isn't it :)

I still find it ironic how he said to me once, that if I wasn't happy by myself, I can't be happy in a relationship. Seriously, I think he's the more unhappy one, maybe he doesn't know, but his so many rules about life in general shows how he's hurt. Oh well, not my problem anymore. I still care about him, still want to be his friends, but being friends need to be a two way process, if he's not willing to give, then I don't think I'd hang around that long. I do think my friendship is pretty valuable, I'm willing to do quite a bit for friends when I see them as true friends. I'm a cold person in general, but very warm to people close to me. *sigh*

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next person life brings into my life :)

Vital hit

I've been thinking about what have I learnt from this relationship?

After thinking about this question for almost a month, I think I've finally come to an answer:

Communication.

Yeah...This is old stuff, but despite our differences, I think the lack of real communication is what made it fail so early. There were things I wasn't happy about, eating, alone time, money etc, just to name a few. I guess I tried hinting with a few of them, but it just never got anywhere. Was I bad at my hints? Or he was bad at intepreting? Or he didn't know what to do? I'm not sure. He did tell me I should just tell him what to do, which I did with one or two problems, but it didn't work. Something was just not right. So, is it really the lack of communication? Or we were just too different? Good questions, again I have no answer. No point asking him, because he doesn't want to think about it. I think for him, it's more just like, we weren't happy, so it should end, why bother thinking about what happened? LOL.

Anyway, next time, when I'm in a relationship, if I'm not happy about a situation, I should try to talk openly about it. Hiding or hinting doesn't seem to work. If it breaks a relationship, then maybe it was just not meant to be.

Hopefully I'll remember this conversation with myself. Ha.

Fashion

Couldn't have worded it better myself:

"We don't dress to impress, We dress to express"

Stolen Girlfriend's Club

I saw this picture with a sentence on Superette's blog, it said "Any girl who wears Authentics is a girl I want breaking my heart." There I was thinking, is there a brand I feel that way? Hmmm?? Well, today I have my answer. Man...I love Stolen Girlfriend's Club!!!! At first I wasn't so sure about this season's style...but it has really grown on me!

I love my shopping...
I got Stolen Girlfriend's Club's dress jersey in marle today~it says wanderer on the back...really cool! Also had to buy another white t-shirt.....I tried to buy black ones...but always end up with white for some reason! It's Federations's cat t-shirt...a cute cat showing its vampiric teeth!!! How can I not get that :p

I look forward getting my True religion jeans, and pink stolen girlfriend's club silk blouse on monday...nicest!! Some of Prps jeans colouring's so amazing...but bit on the dear side for me. *sigh*

Any guy who wears Stolen Girlfriend's Club is a guy I want breaking my heart.

Then again, I don't think it's something everyone can wear, one needs to have attitude to pull SGC off. I thought about Chronicle's of never, or Black noise, white rain...but then I want someone who goes outside the square box, who's truely an open minded person. So many say they are, but they're not.

Choices

How can a decision be right when my heart still aches so much?

Fuck the future. Fuck forever. I live for now.

Je m'ennuie de toi

I'd probably just end up kicking the ducks if I go to the park now.

Life's a bore without you.

Love

I'm not sure if he knows the existence of this blog, well, probably not. I have no idea who reads this, but anyway, I'll still pretend no one is reading it, lol, or how do I be myself.

I really had a great month, and I thank him for it, if it wasn't him, I wouldn't have found my complete self back, a part of me that was lost from a previous lover. Still, I might have lost a bit of myself again because of him.

So many time while I was with him, I thought maybe he is the one. I don't think I've ever felt that way before, but emotionally, I really did feel he was the one. Emotionally. Still, there were other things that were not working out, our values, and what we want in life. I don't think he's sure of what he wants yet, but I shouldn't be the one influencing what he wants. I think our core emotional level matched really well, I felt secure with him, but what covered us, were just so different.

Do I love him? Did I love him? I told him I don't say those words lightly, because those three words should mean a great deal, it shouldn't just be a feeling, but also what you're willing to do and sacrifice. He was, and maybe still is very important to me, and I was considering changing myself, and adjust certain ways of myself for him. That might not be a good idea? but I was going to do it anyway. Did I love him? well...like he said, it's irrelevant now. If I love him, I should give him up. I should let him go. I think I made him feel insecure of himself, all those questions he was asking me. Maybe being with me, made him insecure of himself, and doubt his own values. I should have clarified certain things, but I didn't, I was being careless, so I'm sure I've hurt him eventhough I didn't intend to. I guess I was afraid of showing really how much I cared. He really had my full trust, but I was still afraid of showing how much I cared. Anyway, being how observant he was, I think he knew he was important to me. I know I was important to him, eventhough I was asking him those questions, he couldn't quite understand why I didn't see how important I was to him. Well, there were things I was worried about him. The way he makes decisions in life worried me. And like my worry, it happened.

I keep on thinking back, if I didn't push him to make the decision, we're probably still together right now, but maybe I wanted the break up to happen, because I couldn't accept the real him.

I feel really sad that I wasn't able to love the complete him. What he believes in just makes me sad....real sad and worried. It's hard to see a future when you're worried about someone like that. *sigh* I know it's the right decision, I probably can't give him what he needs...how hurt he is...my careless self probably can't give him enough. *sigh* I think he feels he can't give me what I want either. Him being the more observant one, must have seen right through me, of what I truely need and all, that's why he was asking me all those questions. *sigh*

Why does relationship has to be so hard?
*sigh*
breaking up because it's the right thing to do, rather than you don't have feelings for the other person.
How much more of this do I have to go through?
*sigh*

I can't stop wishing he'd change his mind, eventhough I know he doesn't change his mind....
what a stupid rule that is....
but then, I guess he does need a rule like that, since most of the time, he has trouble making decisions.

He is still very lost, and do I really want someone like that?
*sigh*
I'm really hopeless when it comes to love I guess.
It's quite funny really,
how he's the one who made the decision to break up,
but he still doesn't know if it's the right decision, and not sure why it might not have worked.
Whereas I couldn't make this decision, eventhough I knew it was the right one.
He made the decision for me I guess.
Like he said, he did it for my sake.
*sigh*
No one else believes that, even myself didn't, but now I sort of see his logics.

still,
at this moment, my heart still lies with him.
How can it not?
He understands myself better than I do.
If all things have to end one way or the other,
it's such a torture to have end it when things are still wonderful.
*sigh*

All I can say is that I miss him terribly.
I know it's the right decision, but I still miss him.
Not that he'd know anyway.
Funny how he still lets me see him online and all,
he knows I'd be watching, how we'd often joked about me msn stalking him.
lol
I wonder if he still reads what I put on my msn.
I wonder if he wonders what I'm doing.
I wonder if he misses me like I miss him.
*sigh*
I know it's all irrelevant, but my brain doesn't free me.

I hope no one reads this...
otherwise it's rather embarassing......
*sigh*

I'm grateful for the month I've had.
I really would not have prefered otherwise.
I guess the timing was just not right.

There're still things and conflicts in my mind,
all these right and wrongs
but all just boils down to one thing,
I still miss him terribly,
my rationales have yet to return.

I miss him, and I miss us, what more do I need to say.

一個人

就像標題說的，我又成了一個人。

我以為很順利，但其實不然。也是吧！這幾天更多的瞭解，我其實很清楚兩人人生中所想要的太不同了。

只是我沒想到他試也不試就放棄了。

就這樣輕易的放棄了。

可以很輕易的說這樣輕易就放棄的人不夠好，不值得我喜歡。

但我的心好痛。

希望不會帶來更多的後遺症才是‧‧‧因為當我可以認為事情是如此的順利‧‧‧卻可以輕易的出錯‧‧‧。

我還愛的了嗎？

我真的不知道‧‧‧。

我的心好痛。

快樂與不快樂

第一次遇到一個讓我這麼快樂的人。
希望這種感覺能一直持續。
很多問題就在還沒成為問題是自動消失，真是不可思議。
原來和適合的人在一起是這麼的容易。
原來快樂那麼容易。

比較值

每次分離的難捨是為了讓下次見面的更想念？

明明應該是很快樂也很期望的一天，我卻反常的快樂不起來，再次陷入煩擾的思緒中，難以平靜。

不斷的告訴自己別多想，要不然戴著面具有被識破的危機，但卻平靜不下來。

為什麼該快樂時卻在胡思亂想？

我厭惡這樣的自己。

在這多一些、少一些都會失去平衡值的時刻，我無法處之泰然。

但也許冷靜就不是戀愛了吧？

忙死了!!

最近我媽回台灣...所以店裡一堆事要做....
再加上搬家,所以目前還處在沒有網路的狀態....
目前還是無法固定更新~唉!

不過我必須說你講的沒錯...
Claire Bennet 在第三季開始實在是非常無比的任性!

小更新

既然有人想看更新我稍微說一下最近都在做什麼好了：

幾百年不變，在趕論文。不過終於真的是最後階段了，幾年前告訴我，我會磨那麼久，打死我都不相信。不過這就像我第一次在大學記錯考試時間一樣的不可置信。雖說後來解決了，但每次想起，還是覺得自己怎麼會做這種蠢事。那時候一直覺得是作夢，夢醒就沒事了‧‧‧！結果造成我高中上大學的一連串考試前都睡不好，不斷的做記錯考試時間的夢。

再來這陣子喜歡上看美國影集：
Heroes 目前看到第二季而已，不過對於這種 Sci-fi 不自然的劇情我總是很有興趣，而且不知道會發生什麼事。我喜歡這種節奏緊湊，卻不會搞誤會來誤會去的片子。相對的，我媽總是在店裡看那種讓我覺得要死不活的文藝片@.@

其他有在看的有:
Supernatural, Vampire's Diaries, Grey's Anatomy.

等著看的有:
Gossip girls, The Doll House, True Blood.

滿多人跟我說 Lost 挺好看的，但目前想看的東西太多了。

稍微看了一下 Glee 第一季，是算有趣的吧，但沒有賞心悅目的男女主角實在是讓人有點難看下去？不確定主要原因是什麼，但就不覺得有像別人說的那麼好看。

前天看了 Percy Jackson 什麼 the lightening thief 的電影。看完是覺得還可以啦，但沒有想買 DVD 收藏的念頭。只是我覺得書應該會更有趣！用希臘神和人類所生的小孩來當故事背景應該會滿有趣的。

最近為什麼都沒更新呢？其實有更主要的原因，不不！不是因為交了男朋友！本人還是繼續延續著長期單身生活，只是呢！我這個人每一陣子都會有一樣沉迷的事物。原來是用花，後來喜歡照相，但相機不夠好所以又不斷的轉移興趣，直到最近喜歡看 fashion 有關的網誌，和賣衣服的網站。呵‧‧‧總不能叫我寫一篇我最近在努力找我欣賞的黑皮衣外套的網誌吧！Orz....不過越看越多，只造成想買的東西越來越貴。原來看中意的大概美金兩百五就可以解決了，結果現在看上了件九百塊的 @.@ 為什麼看中意的東西只會越來越貴呢！！不過人是不能越活越回去啦‧‧‧只是這樣下去還得了‧‧‧Orz

我忘了我寫過了沒？繼 Blair Witche's project 恐怖片後我覺得最無聊的恐怖片，好像叫 Paranormal Activity 吧？為什麼有些人會覺得很可怕呢？我覺得咒怨可怕多了‧‧‧從車椅底下，床單裡爬出來‧‧‧！

用 blogger 已經四年有了吧？但一直都沒擔心網誌會不見。反而這次因為另一邊的更新，跑去 help 看了一些文，發現問題還真不少。還好我早早就把音樂都拿掉了 @.@ 我想說的是，因為這件事，所以我開了一個 wordpress 的帳號，把另一個網誌的資料也存到那邊去。之前沒用過一直覺得那邊會比較好用，而用了之後發現，在那邊如果要像 blogger 這樣改 css 是要錢的。一點也不隨性。好吧！是有些功能比較容易沒錯，但現在習慣了這邊的缺乏，也因為這邊的缺乏，讓自己找尋了很多資料，增加了很多有關這方面的知識，反而就不覺得有換的必要了？還是因為是習慣了？習慣真是個可怕的東西啊！難怪這邊的銀行都讓大學學生有免費帳號，真是非常非常的聰明！呵！好了‧‧‧離題了。再寫下去就不是小更新了！最近說中文的機會挺少的，打字都會先出現英文的對白再經過翻譯狀態 @.@ 好累！呵！再來等更新應該就是等慶祝論文寫完時啦！哈！只剩一個禮拜的期限，所以不會等太久的 :P 如果食言而肥，因為寫論文這件事我大概已成游泳池體積了吧！唉 @.@

偶然間聽到上一屆 American Idol 的第二名的歌聲，好像是看 you think you can dance 看到的。Adam Lambert 的聲音真的很厲害！再來最近還聽 Muse。不說了，寫論文去！！呵！