Love

I'm not sure if he knows the existence of this blog, well, probably not. I have no idea who reads this, but anyway, I'll still pretend no one is reading it, lol, or how do I be myself.

I really had a great month, and I thank him for it, if it wasn't him, I wouldn't have found my complete self back, a part of me that was lost from a previous lover. Still, I might have lost a bit of myself again because of him.

So many time while I was with him, I thought maybe he is the one. I don't think I've ever felt that way before, but emotionally, I really did feel he was the one. Emotionally. Still, there were other things that were not working out, our values, and what we want in life. I don't think he's sure of what he wants yet, but I shouldn't be the one influencing what he wants. I think our core emotional level matched really well, I felt secure with him, but what covered us, were just so different.

Do I love him? Did I love him? I told him I don't say those words lightly, because those three words should mean a great deal, it shouldn't just be a feeling, but also what you're willing to do and sacrifice. He was, and maybe still is very important to me, and I was considering changing myself, and adjust certain ways of myself for him. That might not be a good idea? but I was going to do it anyway. Did I love him? well...like he said, it's irrelevant now. If I love him, I should give him up. I should let him go. I think I made him feel insecure of himself, all those questions he was asking me. Maybe being with me, made him insecure of himself, and doubt his own values. I should have clarified certain things, but I didn't, I was being careless, so I'm sure I've hurt him eventhough I didn't intend to. I guess I was afraid of showing really how much I cared. He really had my full trust, but I was still afraid of showing how much I cared. Anyway, being how observant he was, I think he knew he was important to me. I know I was important to him, eventhough I was asking him those questions, he couldn't quite understand why I didn't see how important I was to him. Well, there were things I was worried about him. The way he makes decisions in life worried me. And like my worry, it happened.

I keep on thinking back, if I didn't push him to make the decision, we're probably still together right now, but maybe I wanted the break up to happen, because I couldn't accept the real him.

I feel really sad that I wasn't able to love the complete him. What he believes in just makes me sad....real sad and worried. It's hard to see a future when you're worried about someone like that. *sigh* I know it's the right decision, I probably can't give him what he needs...how hurt he is...my careless self probably can't give him enough. *sigh* I think he feels he can't give me what I want either. Him being the more observant one, must have seen right through me, of what I truely need and all, that's why he was asking me all those questions. *sigh*

Why does relationship has to be so hard?
*sigh*
breaking up because it's the right thing to do, rather than you don't have feelings for the other person.
How much more of this do I have to go through?
*sigh*

I can't stop wishing he'd change his mind, eventhough I know he doesn't change his mind....
what a stupid rule that is....
but then, I guess he does need a rule like that, since most of the time, he has trouble making decisions.

He is still very lost, and do I really want someone like that?
*sigh*
I'm really hopeless when it comes to love I guess.
It's quite funny really,
how he's the one who made the decision to break up,
but he still doesn't know if it's the right decision, and not sure why it might not have worked.
Whereas I couldn't make this decision, eventhough I knew it was the right one.
He made the decision for me I guess.
Like he said, he did it for my sake.
*sigh*
No one else believes that, even myself didn't, but now I sort of see his logics.

still,
at this moment, my heart still lies with him.
How can it not?
He understands myself better than I do.
If all things have to end one way or the other,
it's such a torture to have end it when things are still wonderful.
*sigh*

All I can say is that I miss him terribly.
I know it's the right decision, but I still miss him.
Not that he'd know anyway.
Funny how he still lets me see him online and all,
he knows I'd be watching, how we'd often joked about me msn stalking him.
lol
I wonder if he still reads what I put on my msn.
I wonder if he wonders what I'm doing.
I wonder if he misses me like I miss him.
*sigh*
I know it's all irrelevant, but my brain doesn't free me.

I hope no one reads this...
otherwise it's rather embarassing......
*sigh*

I'm grateful for the month I've had.
I really would not have prefered otherwise.
I guess the timing was just not right.

There're still things and conflicts in my mind,
all these right and wrongs
but all just boils down to one thing,
I still miss him terribly,
my rationales have yet to return.

I miss him, and I miss us, what more do I need to say.