Facets of every moment

Life is short.
Or it's long, depending on how you look at it.
Still,
It ends unexpectantly,
unless you choose to end it of course.

I will choose to be happy,
and leave all the sadness in the past,
where they belong;

Why cling on to sadness when you can be happy?
It's a matter of personal choice.

I choose to be happy.

Change

I've been listening to the same song over and over again since I got up this morning - Silverstein's The End.

No wonder I'm in such sad mood....oh well, and the weather doesn't help either.

I can feel myself changing, leaving all boiled inside within me. Is it really a change? or have I just grown older and wiser? LOL

I don't really like this new me, I don't feel free being like that, but what can I do? I put on this indifferent face so much these days, learning to wait for the right moment to speak, or not to speak if it doesn't help for that matter....*sigh*

Maybe I should stop listening to EMO music.......LOL
I relate way too much to it.....*sigh*
but really love the song....exactly how I feel towards him.

Love life? All a bit muddled up at the moment....
Loose strings, will talk about it once any of the things start to matter....

White room

Saw this picture, love it! Something very peaceful, summery and homey about it.
No it's not my room, but I love the drawer....
but those little devil can be so costly....*evil eyes*

It's too late. I'm gone.

Heard this when I was watching Smallville. Love it.



Steadman - Wave Goodbye

Life is one big stage
And it's all the rage
To go walkin' out
To take a bow

(chorus)
See me roam
See me climb
If I leave here now
I can make good time
See me fall
See me rise
Grab me one last look
Then I'll wave goodbye
Goodbye...

Latches on my face
When I need my space
I've been feeling blue
Well how 'bout you?

Now this bird has flown
Like I've always known it would
Maybe someday soon
You'll be flying too

oooohhhhhh....

(chorus)

I try to try to hold on
But it's too late
It's too late I'm gone...

Lots of stages, all the rage, the curtains raise I'm coming now
Lost on stage, the curtains raise I'm coming now
Lost on stage, the curtains raise I'm coming now

(chorus)

I try to try to hold on
But it's too late
It's too late...
I try to try to hold on
But it's too late
It's too late....

It's too late I'm gone.

Faults

I really should stop blaming myself.

Eventhough I had trouble accepting the one secret he's been keeping from me, but I wasn't going to give up, I didn't want to give up. He was the one who gave up. I didn't reject him, he chose to close up.

I'm tired of thinking.

I think I'm going to try to get rid of my msn watching addiction. *sigh* It's just everytime I've tried that, I ended up crying, just like what happened last night. Still, I'm going to try, because this is not getting me anywhere.

Funny how when I finally told him I'm thinking about giving up if he chooses to be non-respondent, he ended up initiating a conversation. I thought he wasn't sure if he still wanted to get to know me? *sigh* Doesn't matter anyway. I'm not giving the friendship thing up, but I'm tired of trying, so I'll just let it rest for awhile, and try to find myself.

I guess I'm giving him up for real this time, I'm sick of hoping he'd change his mind. I feel pathetic feeling that way. I'm better than that.

Cold and sleepless

Must be one of those nights...*sigh*

Tears just don't seem to be stoppable....they have a mind of their own.

I miss him and I cry knowing it's all for the best at the same time.

This is just hopelessly sad and pathetic.

New light

It was nice to be able to talk to him sort of normally again. He said there was no reason for me to explain again in an email, but then again, the email did get him to talk to me, so it must have achieved something, whether the explanation or what I truly feel, one way or the other.

I'm going to keep open minded of how things work, I've always thought I was someone with heaps of rules, but he seems to have more of those than I do, lol. I still miss him, and the subject we were discussing sort of affected my sleep last night, but I'm determined not to make any moves anymore, because I have done enough, and more from me, would just tip the balance of everything. Speaking from past relationship experiences...like twice. I wouldn't say it's the best thing, but it's for the better. I'm sort of speaking in riddles aren't I? LOL. I hope it was just a coincidence he mentioned acquired a taste for coffee in the conversation, at first I thought maybe I wrote it in one of the emails, but then found this is "the" place I've written about that....@.@ Still, I'm sure it's just a coincidence, since it's the most appropriate description for it.

I think being friends is the answer I feel appropriate for now, not that I don't still ask myself the questions like do I still have feelings for him? Yes. Do I want to be with him still? Hm....I do, but I can also see how many problems would be attached to it. All those time apart and thinking, I did figure out resolutions for a few problems, but not all of them. I never thought it was easy to fall in love for someone, but working a relationship seems to be so much harder. Anyway, I will not cross the line again, unless he wants more. I guess I'll feel this way for a wee while, but life's full of changes and surprises, I don't plan on keeping my word! lol.

Debating whether I should start eating more or not...lost 4 kgs since the break up *sigh* I guess just not having as much appetite. I hope no one else notices, otherwise I'd start getting the I'm disappearing comments again...lol.

It's funny how that's the 3rd breakup I've had in the month of May. There must be something wrong with that month, must be all that rain and wetness!!!


I miss him, but I'm doing nothing about it.
I'm in hibernationland.

Blame the humidity

I'm in a foul mood today. Yes...I'm suppose to be working, but here I am, sneaking up in my room typing a blog entry....LOL

I feel really down today, actually, I'm lying, I've been down since yesterday. I think it all started back on Tuesday when he said he doesn't know if he's interested in a friendship with me. Oh...no, I'm not upset about that fact, I'm actually upset about how I'm starting to find I probably feel the same way. No common ground, interest or social circle and meeting place, I guess when I thought through carefully, I didn't see a possible friendship there. There I was naively saying how I'm interested in being friends with him, and here I am thinking why the hell should I be bothered? Is he really worth the effort?! If he really wanted to be friends with me, then okay, there's a point, but if he's indifferent about it, then what the heck am I doing?!

Funny how I enjoy talking to myself so much these days. These are the sort of things I can't really complain to other people, since there's no correct answers, I'd just end up boring other people to death! LOL!!

I've been thinking about going to a cafe alone every weekend, establish a regular spot, preferably one of those on high street, and aquire a taste for coffee. I'm not exactly a fan of coffee, but I think it's an aquired taste, I was never into red wine before, and now I am, so maybe coffee will work that way? Who knows...Since I want to open a floral/coffee shop one day, that's probably a good idea to start liking coffee!! LOL!

It's times when I think logically, I really wonder why I liked him? Mum reckons it was just the face and height, outer appearance I fell for, but I really don't think it was as simple as that. In the relationship he did try, and he was nice to me, and focused on me. Just that there were too many differences between us that wasn't going to work. I'm somewhat annoyed with myself that when he finally decided to open to me, about he's "not" secret...which I totally think it sort of was, and I just couldn't accept him. *sigh* I'm disappointed in myself, but I'm a realist, I prefer a stable life, too many things about him screams unstability (sp?). It's really funny how I was reluctant to clear and explain so many things he thought wrongly about me. Was I careless? or was it a bigger problem that I was choosing to ignore? I guess I really don't know, I might when I loose feelings for him. I wonder when that'll be? It's still going up and down, I think it's about 50/50 now, the time I'm alright, and the time I'm not. The weather really is not helping.

I'm hating the weather today. I feel exhausted, about so many things.

Experience your life

"It's not about the ending, it's about the journey."

I heard this when I was watching Smallville. I'm all about quotes at the moment aren't I?! I guess I'm going through a quote craze phase! LOL! I really like this quote, it applies to so many things, even life itself.

I guess that's how I should see the month as, that it was a reasonably happy month, and ever lasting doesn't always mean it's the best. But then again, I don't think I would stay in something that's not that great. Anyway, I'm sure it wasn't the best, I do the believe the best is still yet to come. I haven't lost my faith in finding the right person, when I was with him, I did constantly asked myself, is he the one? He did make me feel he was emotionally, but there were so many other things that told me he wasn't. Mainly outer physical stuff. This does make me sound a bit vain, but I don't need to be rich, I want to have enough. I guess he just made me feel insecure in a different way...ways which I didn't want to explain to him...I guess I was worried that I'd hurt his feelings, and hense the communication problem I was talking about yesterday.

Oh well, I'm still waiting for my black horse prince charming! Ha! I guess after this, I have grown a little, and can be even more open minded about certain things. Life's all about experimenting isn't it :)

I still find it ironic how he said to me once, that if I wasn't happy by myself, I can't be happy in a relationship. Seriously, I think he's the more unhappy one, maybe he doesn't know, but his so many rules about life in general shows how he's hurt. Oh well, not my problem anymore. I still care about him, still want to be his friends, but being friends need to be a two way process, if he's not willing to give, then I don't think I'd hang around that long. I do think my friendship is pretty valuable, I'm willing to do quite a bit for friends when I see them as true friends. I'm a cold person in general, but very warm to people close to me. *sigh*

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next person life brings into my life :)